just now i became overwhelmed with this break-your-heart kind of deep sadness. now it's leading me to think of these sad things i have passed by or dealt with.
i won't mention the name but the first thing i thought of was the time i heard a mother crying, no weeping over the loss of her newest baby, r.i.p. little one...
when my sister told me grandma ellen died.
whenever my mother cries.
when my dad told me to stop crying because it was making him fall apart, and then he broke down. "big hearts break easy."
when we put gypsy down.
and even bigger things, like katrina...9/11
that was the strangest moment i've had in a long time.
earlier today i was thinking about what if i was just 1 minute earlier for everything in my life. how different would i be, what kind of life would i lead? even a few seconds, who would i meet?
for instance, every morning i eat breakfast alone in the mess hall. i like it. how it feels just to people watch. in fact i have certain people i pick out and watch for. one being "my boyfriend." i don't know why i call him this, i just do. i see him every morning on tuesday's and thursday's. he never misses these days, he comes usually 5 minutes after i sit down. monday, wednesday, and friday it varies. but he acts like i do. gets cereal. different kinds. his favorite i think is cheerio. mine is coca puffs. i'm sure that would be a discussion. he's like me, he listens to his ipod the whole time. and when he goes to swipe his card with the morning cashier he takes the right ear bud out, just like me. so i call him my boyfriend even though i don't know his name or where he's from. when his birthday is. but i know he likes cheerios, music, and zip up hoodies. i like to think my attention to detail allows me to know some part of him at least.
i guess i'm glad i'm on the time setting i am. otherwise i might of had a "boyfriend" who like special k or that chex mix junk, and that would just not sit right with me.
i'm not sure why i felt possessed to write all that but i'm in a talkative mood, RARE.
you've been askin, i've been drinkin. thinkin about my god forsaken life i lead, it's a memory. i made it be. my lips went white, my spine tee's tight. i realized it was gonna be a long night. but it's proved to be sexier are the moments like these. this is love and this is lust. i need it to be the best. and if i were to be the best, maybe you would trust. this is love and this is lust. now which one do i trust. .............an untitled song by cute is what we aim for. i like it. specifically [thinkin about my god forsaken life i lead.]
i guess that's all i'm ready to give up right now.......later
