all of us are done for.

images from the last few weeks..

 jamming, jamming, jamming.

 waiting. for shows.

shows. shows. shows.

 sound guys. sound guys. sound guys.

images from home. the younger, wonder, wild years.

and tonight? show show show.

:)

Baltic to Boardwalk

fucking love music. 

i love the feeling of watching these fuckin kids get together.

they make families out of each other and it is so kick ass.

literally left on a high.

to the many bands that showed up last night, thank you. well done. you're awesome as hell.

please critique? i already know i need to practice this more and NOT forget my flash at home. :(

wanna see more?

http://www.clairefiedler.com/apps/blog/show/8746849-baltic-to-boardwalk

wanna listen to them?

http://baltictoboardwalk.bandcamp.com/

still want more?

http://baltictoboardwalk.bigcartel.com/

let's do one, two, three, four, five.

from then till now, it goes as so.
i giggled and called my boys fowl names.
they laughed and grabbed my wrists.
tussled me and threatened to throw me in.
i screeched in the 60 degree air.
it was 10:47pm from the big red glow on main.
we went in like one, two, three, four, five.
the water soothed me. we goofed and splashed.
at 1:15am i was slipping myself into bed.
alarm buzz at 9:00am. today's it gets done.

dug a small rectangle hole in the dirt.
kathy said dirt of nd was unlike anywhere else.
dg said the soil looked sandy.
i thought, soil sounds like soul sometimes.
dad grunted with shovel movements.
kevin said really good words.
mom muttered how sweet.
i missed my brother and sister.
we unearthed ellen. put her beside papa.
sealed the handmade coffin, settled the dirt again.
all was well. i felt adeline smile.

i wish i was better these days...

link: for people who suck at thanksgiving

I know that you might not read it all, but it's there if you wanted too.
Some parts like,  

"My thoughts gravitate to whatever's missing, whatever's lost or broken or painful. My heart worries and fears. There is plenty to be thankful for but those are not the scenes I stay stuck in."



My heart worries and fears...
Or,

"I wish i was better at being present."


 And it's true for me too:
"My life is absurd in terms of how privileged it is."


So why?
"So what's with all the pain? What's with not being able to sleep at night? What and where the heck is "home?" Is it possible to be healthy? To be patient? Why do i feel things so deeply?" 



I'm not at the point where he is. Taking it all and believeing it shaped his life. Maybe that's true. But I'm not there where I can appreciate the way it has shaped me. I do agree, I believe that life, love CAN come back. That the dreams that live inside me are there for a reason.. But for right now, it may not be true...it does feel like I'm a story about losing.
i wish i was better these days.




Playlist for reading and writing this blog (on shuffle):

His Girl Friday, The Academy Is...
The Theft, Atreyu
One Year, Six Months, Yellowcard
Miracle!, Paramore
Welcome to Heartbreak, Kanye West

gray.

so first off, mia carruthers is completely awesome.

she was the show last year, taking the stage.

i diligently watched every episode. i love her voice.

here's one of many good ones,

we will grow--

she's gonna be on itunes, mia carruthers and the retro's.

oh in maybe a week or so.

i finished that wedding. weddings aren't my thing. they get me down. i don't wanna do that for the rest of my life. i just don't. it's not what i want my art to be...

i'm working again on the naked newspaper files. :) it's fun. i'm trying to create some different looks but i'm hitting roadblocks, here's what's happening so far with that tonight...

and to my lovely model hannah, thank you :) i will give you a cd of them all....eventually.

it's a pinked out black and white..meh

i looked at the plain, full color version and felt compelled to leave it alone.

i really wanted to go pink here....idk if it worked like i wanted.

i also have a dilemma. my website, www.whitetphotography.webs.com is coming to an end. i can leave it as is and never be able to add more photographs, or i can invest and buy a domain for a period of time and keep posting. i wish to do the latter..it's just choosing a domain. i struggle with a name. it's so final. and blah. i don't even know who i'm gonna be, ya know..so i might just end up doing clairefiedler.com, that's what's been playing around in my head. there'd be a lot of work i'd have to do and adjust a lot of things but maybe once all the family goes home i'll just have ootils of time on my hands. ooo-tuuulls. sound it out.

i was going to blog about it on my website and have ppl vote, but no one checks that blog really i don't think plus. i don't wanna pick something everyone else likes that i don't again.

that's what happened with c.photography. and then white t photography. i love that.. but then again, i don't think that's me. it's just what i wish i could play around with for awhile. i make compulsive decisions. i've been doing it all my life. i get it from my father. 'nuff of that.

ego

it's too big, it's too wide.

it's too strong, it won't fit.

it's too much, it's too tough.

i talk like this cause i can back it up.

that's fun.

just the start of this project. more to come....sometime. this week is gonna be pretty crazy.

overcome

just now i became overwhelmed with this break-your-heart kind of deep sadness. now it's leading me to think of these sad things i have passed by or dealt with.

i won't mention the name but the first thing i thought of was the time i heard a mother crying, no weeping over the loss of her newest baby, r.i.p. little one...

when my sister told me grandma ellen died.

whenever my mother cries.

when my dad told me to stop crying because it was making him fall apart, and then he broke down. "big hearts break easy."

when we put gypsy down.

and even bigger things, like katrina...9/11

that was the strangest moment i've had in a long time.

earlier today i was thinking about what if i was just 1 minute earlier for everything in my life. how different would i be, what kind of life would i lead? even a few seconds, who would i meet?

for instance, every morning i eat breakfast alone in the mess hall. i like it. how it feels just to people watch. in fact i have certain people i pick out and watch for. one being "my boyfriend." i don't know why i call him this, i just do. i see him every morning on tuesday's and thursday's. he never misses these days, he comes usually 5 minutes after i sit down. monday, wednesday, and friday it varies. but he acts like i do. gets cereal. different kinds. his favorite i think is cheerio. mine is coca puffs. i'm sure that would be a discussion. he's like me, he listens to his ipod the whole time. and when he goes to swipe his card with the morning cashier he takes the right ear bud out, just like me. so i call him my boyfriend even though i don't know his name or where he's from. when his birthday is. but i know he likes cheerios, music, and zip up hoodies. i like to think my attention to detail allows me to know some part of him at least.

i guess i'm glad i'm on the time setting i am. otherwise i might of had a "boyfriend" who like special k or that chex mix junk, and that would just not sit right with me.

i'm not sure why i felt possessed to write all that but i'm in a talkative mood, RARE.

you've been askin, i've been drinkin. thinkin about my god forsaken life i lead, it's a memory. i made it be. my lips went white, my spine tee's tight. i realized it was gonna be a long night. but it's proved to be sexier are the moments like these. this is love and this is lust. i need it to be the best. and if i were to be the best, maybe you would trust. this is love and this is lust. now which one do i trust. .............an untitled song by cute is what we aim for. i like it. specifically [thinkin about my god forsaken life i lead.]

i guess that's all i'm ready to give up right now.......later

if you wanna dance with someone....

i suggest this little tune::

This one goes out to you and yours' worldwide

I say

Hey I be gone today

But I be back around the way

Seems like everywhere I go

The more I see

the less I know

But I know one thing:

That I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I’ve been a lot of places all around the way

I’ve seen a lot joy and I’ve seen a lot of pain

but I don’t want to write a love song for the world,

I just want to write a song about a boy and a girl

Junkies on the corner always calling my name

And the kids on the corner playing ghetto games

When I saw you getting down well I hoped it was you

And when I looked into your eyes I knew it was true

I say Hey I be gone today

But I be back around the way

Seems like everywhere I go

The more I see

the less I know

But I know one thing:

That I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

Now I’m not a highly metaphysical man

But I know when the stars are aligned

you can bump into person in the middle of the road

look into their eyes and you suddenly know

Rocking in the dance hall moving with you

Dancing in the night in the middle of June

My momma told me don’t lose you

‘cause the best luck I had was you

I said Hey I be gone today

But I be back around the way

Seems like everywhere I go

The more I see the less I know

But I know one thing:

That I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

And I said rocking in the dance hall moving with you

I said Hey momma hey momma close to you

Rocking in the dance hall moving with you

I said hey papa hey papa kick off your shoes

Rocking in the dance hall moving with you

I said Hey Momma close to you

Rocking in the dance hall moving with you

I said hey momma hey momma hey momma hey momma

Hey momma hey momma hey momma hey momma

My momma told me don’t lose you

Cause the best luck I had was you

And I know one thing that I love you

I said I be gone today but I’ll be back around the way

It seems like everywhere I go

The more I see the less I know

But I know one thing for sure

I love you

I love you

I love you

still working.....

me an da boys baybeh

..you should know i bleed blue but i ain't a Crip though, but i got a gang of niggas walking with my clique though..

..without a wrinkle in today cause there's no tomorrow. just a picture perfect day that lasts a whole lifetime. and it never ends cause all we do is have to hit rewind. so let's just stay in the moment, smoke some weed, drink some wine. reminisce, talk some shit, forever young is in your mind. leave a mark they can't erase, neither space nor time. so when the director yells cut, i'll be fine, i'm, forever young.

legend jay z.

he's on the top of my list.

is it strange that i find this attractive? watched his behind the music on vh1 for like 2 hours today. diggin it.

shhh...the fireman comin'....

but now i'm cruisin with the photo's.. will finish these babes in two weeks flat. f school work. :s

this little boy isn't up on the website yet, in time. in time.

check me web :: show some love :: diggin it.