every stupid thing you do makes my heart sick.

"I’m sorry that somehow, that somewhere along the way, I lost my voice. And now when I really need to speak up, when I really need to tell you something, I can’t. And I bite my tongue, and I dig my nails into my hands and I squeeze my eyes shut when the tears begin to well in them. And what is there to do except repeat the profound feeling of hate? But I don’t hate you, I love you and that is the problem. And you can accuse me of being cold, or cruel, or not caring, but I care. I care so much that every stupid thing you do makes my heart sick."

someone once said that what you want to say has already been said (which i of course take grave offense to) so if you can't say it better, let them say it for you. well, i could say it a million ways, but my words are tired. and my heart is tired. of everything that has broken within me and this life. so i sit. mull over the promises forgotten and i think, somewhere along the way, i lost my voice.

let's do one, two, three, four, five.

from then till now, it goes as so.
i giggled and called my boys fowl names.
they laughed and grabbed my wrists.
tussled me and threatened to throw me in.
i screeched in the 60 degree air.
it was 10:47pm from the big red glow on main.
we went in like one, two, three, four, five.
the water soothed me. we goofed and splashed.
at 1:15am i was slipping myself into bed.
alarm buzz at 9:00am. today's it gets done.

dug a small rectangle hole in the dirt.
kathy said dirt of nd was unlike anywhere else.
dg said the soil looked sandy.
i thought, soil sounds like soul sometimes.
dad grunted with shovel movements.
kevin said really good words.
mom muttered how sweet.
i missed my brother and sister.
we unearthed ellen. put her beside papa.
sealed the handmade coffin, settled the dirt again.
all was well. i felt adeline smile.

ain't go out like a sucka, no way

"it's not you. it's me."
yeah, really i don't know what my problem is. my dad says my hearts too big. too much compassion goes to the old and animals...not a lot left for bullshit, naw mean? whatever it is. 'ppreciate those stickin it out. or still sendin a text in the morning, checkin up on me when i just snuck out the backdoor last night cause a song came on and i couldn't hold my head up to it. or the one who'll remind them not to tell that joke or mention that story. 
i tell it like, i just don't make friends with those kinds. i just don't know how to figure out a females mentality. it's gotta be some mental blockade, or some self protection. maybe it's just bitchyness. maybe it's..fuck it, i'm not gonna analyze it. i said what i could and i couldn't do it anymore- so there that went. shrug and throw on some s.a. i probably am not making any sense to strangers but that doesn't matter because why have this for you. it's suppose to be for me. "it's not you. it's me."


tune: 





photo:

we're all scared, as death to die.

i wish i could write, and actually say what i want to say.

like none of you know me. or maybe just knew me.

i'd like to just say all the words that have been saved as drafts, over and over. 

it's so fucking tempting.

everything just wells up.

swells up, begging to get out.

yes it's true.

i never really was too fond of the day. today. valentine's day. my best friend's favorite holiday. she spirals out so much love; i can hardly believe it. 


my willow is gone. i spent every free moment at her house until i got to be a freshman. and even then. it was four nights a week or more. she spoiled me to death...  she taught me how to make the proper valentine. rhyme included.
when i was...oh small enough to make crafts... she brought out the construction paper, stamps, ribbons, glues, tape, scissors (very dull), and makers. she taught me how to do the window valentines, the folding valentines. how to draw a heart, how to cut out the perfect heart. as i got older, i learned of the things called hallmark cards. i did not like them. but i did like the fancy crown on the back. so i started to draw them on the back of my valentines day cards. my grandma, being the holy one she was, thought it was 'jesus's crown.' ever since we had made jokes about it being a hallmark vs. a jesus crown. anyway..she's not here to send a valentine to or for me to get one from her. my best valentine. so yes..today it's worse than all the others. my throat is very tight as i write this. i will share the last valentine she sent me. and it is the best one she ever had. 


it's a big red heart with a small white heart on top that opens... she delicately, with her arthritis stricken fingers, glued tiny red hearts over some of the white and drew some as well. 
it reads:


Claire, Claire
Maiden Fair
I'll be true-blue
If I can be "wis" U
Be My Valentine


Sweet Valentine 
For you, I pine
Won't you be
My Valentine?


Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Sugar is Sweet
And so are You!


Love from
Granny Willow


on the back is a drawing of "jesus's crown" it's a very good drawing and she was sure to get the last laugh by writing, "jesus's crown" underneath it. : ) oh gram..

part two

toning assignment. i did some research.

but most of all, i did a lot.

A LOT 

of experimenting.

total time working:

from 2:00pm till 9:00pm.

feet hurt? yes, much.

ohh...and i still have to mat, 

organize my little speech.

and own.

:)

 putting in the toning bath.

 water bath.

 experimenting..

 toning bath.

 

home-made drying rack.

Playlist for this post:

Poison Kiss - The Last Goodnight

Fast Car - Tracy Chapman

Symphonies - Dan Black

part one

apartment is clean. colors pop in the kitchen.
new reds, dark purples, soft browns, and simple blues.
toning is in process. there's grave desire to prosper.
grave concern of self explosion.
a darkroom created in a small sink.
an old clothes hanger holds finished tones carefully.
the photographs drip, drip, swinging slightly from the breeze through the open window.
the drips from inside match the melting drips from outside.
pounding together with the jazz rap playing.

Playlist for this post:

Miss Me ft. Lil Wayne - Drake

Superstar ft. Matthew Santos - Lupe Fiasco

We'll Be Alright - Travie McCoy

this is where it leaves me.

it's a cold night in the midwest.
there's a note with the neighbors.
thieving wind withdraws my breath, damages-
dogs break the streets.
i imagine you with me.
the silence, time and again; repeatedly.
can feel my heart beat.
do you know the pain of my one love.
night stills, cigarettes burn.
mind strays. and what would you say..
our own world.
love and desire.
truth and words.
run into each other love. from lips to fingers.
it's a cold night in the midwest.
our own world. endlessly, i stay.

photo: michael kenna

i wish i was better these days...

link: for people who suck at thanksgiving

I know that you might not read it all, but it's there if you wanted too.
Some parts like,  

"My thoughts gravitate to whatever's missing, whatever's lost or broken or painful. My heart worries and fears. There is plenty to be thankful for but those are not the scenes I stay stuck in."



My heart worries and fears...
Or,

"I wish i was better at being present."


 And it's true for me too:
"My life is absurd in terms of how privileged it is."


So why?
"So what's with all the pain? What's with not being able to sleep at night? What and where the heck is "home?" Is it possible to be healthy? To be patient? Why do i feel things so deeply?" 



I'm not at the point where he is. Taking it all and believeing it shaped his life. Maybe that's true. But I'm not there where I can appreciate the way it has shaped me. I do agree, I believe that life, love CAN come back. That the dreams that live inside me are there for a reason.. But for right now, it may not be true...it does feel like I'm a story about losing.
i wish i was better these days.




Playlist for reading and writing this blog (on shuffle):

His Girl Friday, The Academy Is...
The Theft, Atreyu
One Year, Six Months, Yellowcard
Miracle!, Paramore
Welcome to Heartbreak, Kanye West

solace, i have not.

amass: gathered and collected..

time: opportunity; temporal length of entity's existence..

heartache: anguish and sorrow; affliction and dejection..

so many words amassed; i'm a hoarder.

so much time...gone, my love wasted.

so much heartache...i feel my soul weighing beyond it's years.

solace: comfort and peace....

i have not.

 

 

remember this guy, from little miss sunshine, the freak out. 

he doesn't have it either.

i coordinate this kind of mess

i think edward scissor-hands is beautiful.
the cuts on his face, drew me in when i was little.
i still wonder what that means.
what crazy chemical let go in my brain to allow this.
what beginning did i have.
what past did i bring with.
and where...oh where, am i going?

my hands, my eyes, my bones, are starving.
my soul is the same.
i'm avoiding the drop.
sink or swim.
treading water.
shallow water.
far more.

what else is there to say.
it takes a hell of a lot more to complete this.
far more.


how much longer, boy?
how much longer do we need to wait.
my insides know just where i belong. i can feel them.
every night, like we used to do.
in my head, that's the story that plays.
the music beats...melodies..
on and on.
on and on, we go.

i love you. and i miss you.

what else is there to say?

i love you. and i miss you. 
what else is there to say?



far more than we can take.

till all my skin was gone.

be patient love, it could be us.

maybe nobody has it figured out.

i was talking to a boy.

he's down too.

way down. no sleep, like me.

hits it pretty hard.

i think i will too...

I met a girl who kept tattoos

For homes that she had loved

If I were her I'd paint my body

'Til all my skin was gone

that, is exactly how i feel. 

just what i will do.

uhm, hello!?

every time i do go somewhere, or do something.

present tense.

i wish for once you would just try to remember. 

really remember, look in the fucking mirror.

and figure out what the fucking hell you are doing.

it's nothing that either of us need, it's nothing we want.

i wish you would just realize how fucking easy it would have been to say, 

"hey, i know things aren't good right now, 

but i'm sorry to hear about your grandma. i know this is killing you."

ripping me apart. right through me. walking into that house, alone.. 

everyone was in there, with their person by there side. 

jesus christ kid. 

i wish for fucking once, you could give it to me straight, like you used too.

 you had the best fucking mind i've ever met.

you had words. jesus, you had words. 

even if it isn't good, fight back with me. have a fucking personality again.

yeah.. a lot. a lot of things pent up. 

fuck off.

this is exactly it.

took the words right from my soul.

the blood in my veins raced,

it leapt.

you know we're gonna live to see another day..

does my opinion still matter to you?
yours does. sometimes i wish it didn't. but it so does.
when i realize it, i want to change so many things in my life.
motivate me, i wanna get myself out of this bed. 




even in the small talk, i knew what you were gonna say, that says something.
that says you're still there. that says i still know you better than you think. 
better than all of them. can you tell what i'm trying to do? 
can you tell what i want...just for now at least?
captivate me, i want good thoughts inside of my head.






you answered, and you talked. you didn't give what you used too.
i have so much built up to say. i have so many questions.
are you gonna be there?
if i fall down, would you come around, and pick me right up off the ground?






i'm still angry, but i can't get you to say it.
i'm still shaken, but i love that part.
i'm still here, but like i could leave.
i'm still sad, but i have all this hope.
spend your lazy, endless crazy, days inside my head.




i always let the hope get too high. somewhere, inside; i know it'll be nothing.
nothing will happen..
but i never stop. i can't get it to go down. so one day, when you meet it.
when you get right up there to my high hopes, i might just fall down..
but hey, :) you'll be around....see you then, c

you're my source of most frustrations

oh it was from blink 182....
nah nah nah nah nah nah nah, i just forgot you were there.
and he said, nah nah nah nah nah, i just forgot you were there.


i guess it was good to be so sick i couldn't think straight. 
i didn't really want to dwell on you for every second.
who wants to dwell on any type of thing for every second.
my health is coming back however and guess what is left, 
a whole two and half days missed of probable dwelling time.
you're so spoiled baby.


i haven't gotten a good look at you in over a year and two hard months.
you'd think i'd forget certain things, your mannerism's.
our stuff, our words, our songs.
blah, blah, blah. i haven't forgotten much of anything.
you make me nervous, so i really can't eat.




i'm not sure what you should get out of this.
a lot of dwelling and whining.
confusion, frustration?
i know it all. 
a big sigh, i woke up from my nap with a big sigh.
blink 182 was playing, you know, our stuff.
and he said, nah nah nah nah nah nah nah, i just forgot you were there.
my heart jumped into my throat...it's still there. 
you've got to come pry it down.

it's hard to be home.

it's so hard to be home sometimes.

i feel two different pulls... inside me. 

always. but when i go from place to place...a pull get's stronger; thee other, weaker.

sometimes they change and engulf each other. twist about and switch to the background, the forefront... if one becomes too much, completely taking over the other, it makes too more pulls. a cycle...almost. that never really ends.

like waves. just crashing around everything that touches my life. i don't think i could control them. 

even if i wanted too, i don't know if i would. 

sure the feelings can be the lowest hell has to offer. but they've been the purest. simplest..complex, brightest, great, great feeling, ever.. stuff you can just breathe on. breathe in. be in. just has it all. but they wouldn't be one without the other. just like the pull wouldn't be one without the other. just like i wouldn't be me without you.

anyway, i thought, maybe if you ever found this, you'd want to know. and you'd want to know me some more. because i haven't changed a whole lot.  
i didn't want to grow without you. 
so you still know me. like you did. i haven't become something i'm not. and i haven't become something you don't know. i'm still what you know.
i thought, maybe if you ever found this, you'd want to know that one pull always seems to be you.

a common fig.

credit

oh god, so good.

like god with a double o.

i gotta make it to heaven, for goin through heaven.

title: a common fig

i smoke a cig,

like shit, take a swig.

you can't touch my rig,

cause it fly's, like, oh so big.

run, run like a guinea pig,

you sweatin, i already got the gig.

can't reach my swag, you'd have to dig,

calculate it, like i'm tighter than trig.

i'm kicking, out fiercely, at the world around me.

fate fell short this time, your smile fades in the summer. place your hand in mine, i'll leave when i wanna.




i was afraid you forgot how to be you.
was about to ask you to remember,
to be you.
for me, just for 30 seconds. 


but, you came through.
i'm still kicking.
gravel.

spoken in lyrics.

i got ice in my veins, blood in my eye, hate in my heart, love on my mind,
i seen nights full of pain, days of the same.

you keep the sunshine, save me the rain.
i search but never find, hurt but never cry,
i work and forever try, but im cursed so never mind.
and its worse but better times, seems further and beyond.









it hurts but I never show, this pain you’ll never know
if only you can see just how lonely and how cold
and frostbit i’ve become. my back’s against the wall
when push come to shove, i just stand up and scream fuck em all
man it feels like these walls are closing in, this roof is caving in... 












emergency brake.