Thursday, November 10, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
blue lips, blue veins.
did you know i don't listen to her songs...remind me of you.
i ran across old conversations; saved in my box of memories.
it makes my stomach twist in knots. i can't believe how things turn out.
why was it so hard. for both of us. to figure it out.
i feel bad for boys...girls are so so so complicated.
probably unnecessarily so.. i don't even know what to say.
they keep showing your projects in g.d. so much talent.
i like looking at them again. feels like we're back in 1419.
she's shows pictures of her kid ALL THE TIME. (not that cute).
you know how i feel about baby's. and i know how you felt about her pregnancy. hahaha.
what am i suppose to say now. what is there to say.
hey. i miss you. you were my best friend.
my sadness and your happiness got in the way? no, that's so unfair.
especially to you. this isn't alright. i don't like how this feels still today.
it's unsettled. i want to tell you about all the things that happen.
there's something every. day. -- but...i just can't do it.
i wanted things to be better. i wanted you to try.
maybe.. maybe...i don't know. maybe that's life.
maybe this is how it's gonna be. or maybe it was all me.
i hope you're well. and sincerely happy.
and i wish you the best.
even though you'll never really know.
blue, the color of our planet, from far, far away.
i ran across old conversations; saved in my box of memories.
it makes my stomach twist in knots. i can't believe how things turn out.
why was it so hard. for both of us. to figure it out.
i feel bad for boys...girls are so so so complicated.
probably unnecessarily so.. i don't even know what to say.
they keep showing your projects in g.d. so much talent.
i like looking at them again. feels like we're back in 1419.
she's shows pictures of her kid ALL THE TIME. (not that cute).
you know how i feel about baby's. and i know how you felt about her pregnancy. hahaha.
what am i suppose to say now. what is there to say.
hey. i miss you. you were my best friend.
my sadness and your happiness got in the way? no, that's so unfair.
especially to you. this isn't alright. i don't like how this feels still today.
it's unsettled. i want to tell you about all the things that happen.
there's something every. day. -- but...i just can't do it.
i wanted things to be better. i wanted you to try.
maybe.. maybe...i don't know. maybe that's life.
maybe this is how it's gonna be. or maybe it was all me.
i hope you're well. and sincerely happy.
and i wish you the best.
even though you'll never really know.
blue, the color of our planet, from far, far away.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
november 6th.
willow,
you're so hard to talk about.
it doesn't seem like a year. it seems like a million and it seems like an hour.
you visited my sister in her dreams. please do that again.
i don't dream much, but when i do, could you drop by.
it's so very cold today. i watched a little old lady cross the parking lot this morning..
i wanted to go down and help her...
i just keep staring at the wall.
i almost laughed, the heat in my apartment isn't on. it's 55 degrees inside my little room...
you wouldn't mind. i miss you.
i miss you so much.
and again, i cry for you. and i cry for me. and thee eleven. and your kids.
today is so hard. i look at the picture of the eleven from this day a year ago and i remember how it felt.
and how i thought it was so unfair then.. and still do. but i know this is what you wanted most. you said it for ten years. and now you're as you said, up with the angels. but i still needed you down here.
love you,
the littlest.
you're so hard to talk about.
it doesn't seem like a year. it seems like a million and it seems like an hour.
you visited my sister in her dreams. please do that again.
i don't dream much, but when i do, could you drop by.
it's so very cold today. i watched a little old lady cross the parking lot this morning..
i wanted to go down and help her...
i just keep staring at the wall.
i almost laughed, the heat in my apartment isn't on. it's 55 degrees inside my little room...
you wouldn't mind. i miss you.
i miss you so much.
and again, i cry for you. and i cry for me. and thee eleven. and your kids.
today is so hard. i look at the picture of the eleven from this day a year ago and i remember how it felt.
and how i thought it was so unfair then.. and still do. but i know this is what you wanted most. you said it for ten years. and now you're as you said, up with the angels. but i still needed you down here.
love you,
the littlest.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
second post but sometimes things just come to you.
i wasn't ready.
it's not fair.
the leaves are blowing across the street.
you use to say how they were all running to grandma's house.
i smile remembering, but it's tight. and i keep thinking it's not fair.
fall is hard because it's your birthday.
fall is hard because the leaves blow and the colors turn.
school starts and you were such a teacher.
and then i wish i could come for wednesday lunch.
i wish i could talk to my best friend.
oh sweet adeline, i wasn't ready.
it'll be snow that's blowing soon... i picked you up to drive you a block to church.
in your warm parka. and your goofy scarves.
warm pudding and twists. i know my sister tries. she's very good, but we both know they won't be the same. (i think we're both okay with that.)
we shovel the snow and you would peek your head out the door, "i was wondering who it could be, oh it's claire and johnny :)" or a frantic phone call, "claire, can you come feed the birds, the snow is too deep for me to get through!!"
and then comes spring. and your favorite flowers bloom. and i framed the pictures for you.
the heat of summer, to grandma's, talk forever over lime popsicles and chicken strips and drummies. mow the lawn, spotless. we all did it.
and then we come back around to fall again, and we're right back where we started.
i cry for my mother. and the eleven, and i cry for myself cause i can't think of another way to deal with it. stop being a wuss is all i can hear from you. i really just want to feel something. feel you here. anything, but i can't and it takes my breathe away.
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