Notes

Note 1: I have never been one for babies.
Basically, they scare the shit out of me.
I thought of them as annoying, un-cute, and just a hassle. Nothing I want to be near, or frankly, care about.
When you think these things, you tell yourself.. "Well, I'll like mine. Maybe my brothers' or sisters'." You say these things to not seem so horrible while thinking the previous.

Note 2: I love my job. The people I work with are more than people I work with. I trust them all. And they trust me. It feels good. I feel like I am apart of the team. And it feels good. The long, exhausting hours are rough on my sleep, sanity, and school, true. But not impossible. Leaving with the work done, 100+ percent in...It feels good. It makes me want to work more. (thank you dad).


The Point: Today, I held my first baby.
Let me just say, the trust from note 2 made me feel comfortable enough to accept the..peer pressure. Note 1 made me conscious of my facial expressions. But that little kid. I've never held a baby. I am the youngest. I never had to encounter this task. When they put him in my arms, I was all, "whoa. nope. nope. get it away. can't do this." The second thing I thought was, "Holy shit, he's warm." His mom, confirmed, yes, he's a toasty one. His fingers and toes were so long. He squirmed and winked. A big yawn. I just decided I would watch him and listen. I don't remember the rest of the conversation. (Other than me and the other photog thinking he's totally gonna be a photographer from the comment that he loves to just look at things.) So now I can say...I get it. To the moms out there, I get it now. But never call me to baby sit. I don't wanna sound cheesy, but holy shit was that little body alive. To think two people created that. Yikes.

The End:
I'll keep the memory in mind. Something to smile at. To wonder at. But, I'm still on the whole, "Whoa. baby, no thanks" path.

'nough said...........ceaf out

dear god,

grant me the serenity....

theres a reason i said i would be happy alone. it wasn’t because i thought i would be happy alone. it was because if i loved someone and it fell apart... i might not make it. 
it’s easier to be alone. 
because what if you learn that you need love... and then you don’t have it. what if you like it. and lean on it. what if you, ...shape your life around it. and then it falls apart.. 
can you even survive that kind of pain? 
loosing love is like organ damage. 


it’s like dying. 
the only difference is, death ends. 


this,
it could go on forever.

heat rock

particularily

It literally feels like a lifetime ago
but I still remember the shit like it was just yesterday though
you walked in, yellow jump suit
whole room, cracked jokes
once you got inside the booth, told you, like smoke
went through friends, some of them I put on
but they just left, they said they was riding to the death
But where the fuck are they now?
now that I need them, I don't see none of them
all I see is Slim
fuck all you fair-weather friends
all I need is him
fucking backstabbers
when the chips were down you just laughed at us
Now you 'bout to feel the fucking wrath of Aftermath, faggots
you gon' see us in our lab jackets and ask us where the fuck we been?
You can kiss my indecisive ass crack, maggots, and the cracker's ass
Little Cracker Jack, beat-making wackass backwards producers
I'm back, bastards
one more CD and then I'm packing up my bags and as I'm leaving
I'll guarantee they scream, Dre don't leave us like that man 'cause...

i like to listen to those lyrics.

bella wells.

i will miss you...

if all sunday's are like this,

count me in.

and every day i wake,

i tell myself a little harmless lie,

the whole wide world is mine.