images from the last few weeks..
jamming, jamming, jamming.
waiting. for shows.
shows. shows. shows.
sound guys. sound guys. sound guys.
images from home. the younger, wonder, wild years.
and tonight? show show show.
:)
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
blue lips, blue veins.
did you know i don't listen to her songs...remind me of you.
i ran across old conversations; saved in my box of memories.
it makes my stomach twist in knots. i can't believe how things turn out.
why was it so hard. for both of us. to figure it out.
i feel bad for boys...girls are so so so complicated.
probably unnecessarily so.. i don't even know what to say.
they keep showing your projects in g.d. so much talent.
i like looking at them again. feels like we're back in 1419.
she's shows pictures of her kid ALL THE TIME. (not that cute).
you know how i feel about baby's. and i know how you felt about her pregnancy. hahaha.
what am i suppose to say now. what is there to say.
hey. i miss you. you were my best friend.
my sadness and your happiness got in the way? no, that's so unfair.
especially to you. this isn't alright. i don't like how this feels still today.
it's unsettled. i want to tell you about all the things that happen.
there's something every. day. -- but...i just can't do it.
i wanted things to be better. i wanted you to try.
maybe.. maybe...i don't know. maybe that's life.
maybe this is how it's gonna be. or maybe it was all me.
i hope you're well. and sincerely happy.
and i wish you the best.
even though you'll never really know.
blue, the color of our planet, from far, far away.
i ran across old conversations; saved in my box of memories.
it makes my stomach twist in knots. i can't believe how things turn out.
why was it so hard. for both of us. to figure it out.
i feel bad for boys...girls are so so so complicated.
probably unnecessarily so.. i don't even know what to say.
they keep showing your projects in g.d. so much talent.
i like looking at them again. feels like we're back in 1419.
she's shows pictures of her kid ALL THE TIME. (not that cute).
you know how i feel about baby's. and i know how you felt about her pregnancy. hahaha.
what am i suppose to say now. what is there to say.
hey. i miss you. you were my best friend.
my sadness and your happiness got in the way? no, that's so unfair.
especially to you. this isn't alright. i don't like how this feels still today.
it's unsettled. i want to tell you about all the things that happen.
there's something every. day. -- but...i just can't do it.
i wanted things to be better. i wanted you to try.
maybe.. maybe...i don't know. maybe that's life.
maybe this is how it's gonna be. or maybe it was all me.
i hope you're well. and sincerely happy.
and i wish you the best.
even though you'll never really know.
blue, the color of our planet, from far, far away.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
november 6th.
willow,
you're so hard to talk about.
it doesn't seem like a year. it seems like a million and it seems like an hour.
you visited my sister in her dreams. please do that again.
i don't dream much, but when i do, could you drop by.
it's so very cold today. i watched a little old lady cross the parking lot this morning..
i wanted to go down and help her...
i just keep staring at the wall.
i almost laughed, the heat in my apartment isn't on. it's 55 degrees inside my little room...
you wouldn't mind. i miss you.
i miss you so much.
and again, i cry for you. and i cry for me. and thee eleven. and your kids.
today is so hard. i look at the picture of the eleven from this day a year ago and i remember how it felt.
and how i thought it was so unfair then.. and still do. but i know this is what you wanted most. you said it for ten years. and now you're as you said, up with the angels. but i still needed you down here.
love you,
the littlest.
you're so hard to talk about.
it doesn't seem like a year. it seems like a million and it seems like an hour.
you visited my sister in her dreams. please do that again.
i don't dream much, but when i do, could you drop by.
it's so very cold today. i watched a little old lady cross the parking lot this morning..
i wanted to go down and help her...
i just keep staring at the wall.
i almost laughed, the heat in my apartment isn't on. it's 55 degrees inside my little room...
you wouldn't mind. i miss you.
i miss you so much.
and again, i cry for you. and i cry for me. and thee eleven. and your kids.
today is so hard. i look at the picture of the eleven from this day a year ago and i remember how it felt.
and how i thought it was so unfair then.. and still do. but i know this is what you wanted most. you said it for ten years. and now you're as you said, up with the angels. but i still needed you down here.
love you,
the littlest.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
second post but sometimes things just come to you.
i wasn't ready.
it's not fair.
the leaves are blowing across the street.
you use to say how they were all running to grandma's house.
i smile remembering, but it's tight. and i keep thinking it's not fair.
fall is hard because it's your birthday.
fall is hard because the leaves blow and the colors turn.
school starts and you were such a teacher.
and then i wish i could come for wednesday lunch.
i wish i could talk to my best friend.
oh sweet adeline, i wasn't ready.
it'll be snow that's blowing soon... i picked you up to drive you a block to church.
in your warm parka. and your goofy scarves.
warm pudding and twists. i know my sister tries. she's very good, but we both know they won't be the same. (i think we're both okay with that.)
we shovel the snow and you would peek your head out the door, "i was wondering who it could be, oh it's claire and johnny :)" or a frantic phone call, "claire, can you come feed the birds, the snow is too deep for me to get through!!"
and then comes spring. and your favorite flowers bloom. and i framed the pictures for you.
the heat of summer, to grandma's, talk forever over lime popsicles and chicken strips and drummies. mow the lawn, spotless. we all did it.
and then we come back around to fall again, and we're right back where we started.
i cry for my mother. and the eleven, and i cry for myself cause i can't think of another way to deal with it. stop being a wuss is all i can hear from you. i really just want to feel something. feel you here. anything, but i can't and it takes my breathe away.
9.28.11
dear willow,
happy birthday. i save days like these.
i pull everything up to see. to remember. to burn.
i want to call you. just to hear it ring, but i know it's not your phone now.
i want to come over. but i know it's not your house now.
i want to be able to say happy birthday.
but how can you hear it.
i can't believe we're missing this.
i've been up for an hour and i feel so distracted.
i stare off. i think of my mother.
and my cousins, brother and sister. i think of your boys.
i want to hear your stories and talk about your day.
i want to hear you calling to thank me for the card. and fight about the jesus vs. hallmark crown i would have drawn on the back.
sweet adeline....it's still so hard.
i pull everything up to see. to remember. to burn.
i'll still save days like these.
happy birthday,
i love you.
miss you,
claire ellen adele.
happy birthday. i save days like these.
i pull everything up to see. to remember. to burn.
i want to call you. just to hear it ring, but i know it's not your phone now.
i want to come over. but i know it's not your house now.
i want to be able to say happy birthday.
but how can you hear it.
i can't believe we're missing this.
i've been up for an hour and i feel so distracted.
i stare off. i think of my mother.
and my cousins, brother and sister. i think of your boys.
i want to hear your stories and talk about your day.
i want to hear you calling to thank me for the card. and fight about the jesus vs. hallmark crown i would have drawn on the back.
sweet adeline....it's still so hard.
i pull everything up to see. to remember. to burn.
i'll still save days like these.
happy birthday,
i love you.
miss you,
claire ellen adele.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
my sins caught up with you
i need somebody to talk to, but i pushed you away.
i need somebody who understands, but it doesn't look like your coming back.
side note: something with hair blurring my photos..i love.
side note: little details is something i'll always be about.
side note: something about the waves will always be apart of me.
Monday, September 19, 2011
the way that i fall
I wish there was a legit disorder for like kids like me who can't focus long enough to write one little paragraph in paper cause there is too much creative things to do. Or like you can't focus on reading that feminism homework or do other butt munch shit because there are too many awesome things to look at and awesome music to bang around too. (no, i do not mean that kind of bang) and create stuff. and do art.
ahhhh!
GOLD DUST.
i can feel my heart
breaking in front of you
this is me
im walking away
i can feel my heart
breaking in front of you
so long
i'm leaving today
fffff
drowning
we all know, we all know by now that you're the only thing that you talk about. we all know, we all know that things won't work out, no. you've got nothing to say. you've got nothing to say. you've got nothing.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Baltic to Boardwalk
fucking love music.
i love the feeling of watching these fuckin kids get together.
they make families out of each other and it is so kick ass.
literally left on a high.
to the many bands that showed up last night, thank you. well done. you're awesome as hell.
please critique? i already know i need to practice this more and NOT forget my flash at home. :(
wanna see more?
http://www.clairefiedler.com/apps/blog/show/8746849-baltic-to-boardwalk
wanna listen to them?
http://baltictoboardwalk.bandcamp.com/
still want more?
http://baltictoboardwalk.bigcartel.com/
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Notes
Note 1: I have never been one for babies.
Basically, they scare the shit out of me.
I thought of them as annoying, un-cute, and just a hassle. Nothing I want to be near, or frankly, care about.
When you think these things, you tell yourself.. "Well, I'll like mine. Maybe my brothers' or sisters'." You say these things to not seem so horrible while thinking the previous.
Note 2: I love my job. The people I work with are more than people I work with. I trust them all. And they trust me. It feels good. I feel like I am apart of the team. And it feels good. The long, exhausting hours are rough on my sleep, sanity, and school, true. But not impossible. Leaving with the work done, 100+ percent in...It feels good. It makes me want to work more. (thank you dad).
The Point: Today, I held my first baby.
Let me just say, the trust from note 2 made me feel comfortable enough to accept the..peer pressure. Note 1 made me conscious of my facial expressions. But that little kid. I've never held a baby. I am the youngest. I never had to encounter this task. When they put him in my arms, I was all, "whoa. nope. nope. get it away. can't do this." The second thing I thought was, "Holy shit, he's warm." His mom, confirmed, yes, he's a toasty one. His fingers and toes were so long. He squirmed and winked. A big yawn. I just decided I would watch him and listen. I don't remember the rest of the conversation. (Other than me and the other photog thinking he's totally gonna be a photographer from the comment that he loves to just look at things.) So now I can say...I get it. To the moms out there, I get it now. But never call me to baby sit. I don't wanna sound cheesy, but holy shit was that little body alive. To think two people created that. Yikes.
The End:
I'll keep the memory in mind. Something to smile at. To wonder at. But, I'm still on the whole, "Whoa. baby, no thanks" path.
'nough said...........ceaf out
Basically, they scare the shit out of me.
I thought of them as annoying, un-cute, and just a hassle. Nothing I want to be near, or frankly, care about.
When you think these things, you tell yourself.. "Well, I'll like mine. Maybe my brothers' or sisters'." You say these things to not seem so horrible while thinking the previous.
Note 2: I love my job. The people I work with are more than people I work with. I trust them all. And they trust me. It feels good. I feel like I am apart of the team. And it feels good. The long, exhausting hours are rough on my sleep, sanity, and school, true. But not impossible. Leaving with the work done, 100+ percent in...It feels good. It makes me want to work more. (thank you dad).
The Point: Today, I held my first baby.
Let me just say, the trust from note 2 made me feel comfortable enough to accept the..peer pressure. Note 1 made me conscious of my facial expressions. But that little kid. I've never held a baby. I am the youngest. I never had to encounter this task. When they put him in my arms, I was all, "whoa. nope. nope. get it away. can't do this." The second thing I thought was, "Holy shit, he's warm." His mom, confirmed, yes, he's a toasty one. His fingers and toes were so long. He squirmed and winked. A big yawn. I just decided I would watch him and listen. I don't remember the rest of the conversation. (Other than me and the other photog thinking he's totally gonna be a photographer from the comment that he loves to just look at things.) So now I can say...I get it. To the moms out there, I get it now. But never call me to baby sit. I don't wanna sound cheesy, but holy shit was that little body alive. To think two people created that. Yikes.
The End:
I'll keep the memory in mind. Something to smile at. To wonder at. But, I'm still on the whole, "Whoa. baby, no thanks" path.
'nough said...........ceaf out
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
theres a reason i said i would be happy alone. it wasn’t because i thought i would be happy alone. it was because if i loved someone and it fell apart... i might not make it.
it’s easier to be alone.
because what if you learn that you need love... and then you don’t have it. what if you like it. and lean on it. what if you, ...shape your life around it. and then it falls apart..
can you even survive that kind of pain?
loosing love is like organ damage.
it’s like dying.
the only difference is, death ends.
this,
it could go on forever.
it’s easier to be alone.
because what if you learn that you need love... and then you don’t have it. what if you like it. and lean on it. what if you, ...shape your life around it. and then it falls apart..
can you even survive that kind of pain?
loosing love is like organ damage.
it’s like dying.
the only difference is, death ends.
this,
it could go on forever.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
particularily
It literally feels like a lifetime ago
but I still remember the shit like it was just yesterday though
you walked in, yellow jump suit
whole room, cracked jokes
once you got inside the booth, told you, like smoke
went through friends, some of them I put on
but they just left, they said they was riding to the death
But where the fuck are they now?
now that I need them, I don't see none of them
all I see is Slim
fuck all you fair-weather friends
all I need is him
fucking backstabbers
when the chips were down you just laughed at us
Now you 'bout to feel the fucking wrath of Aftermath, faggots
you gon' see us in our lab jackets and ask us where the fuck we been?
You can kiss my indecisive ass crack, maggots, and the cracker's ass
Little Cracker Jack, beat-making wackass backwards producers
I'm back, bastards
one more CD and then I'm packing up my bags and as I'm leaving
I'll guarantee they scream, Dre don't leave us like that man 'cause...
but I still remember the shit like it was just yesterday though
you walked in, yellow jump suit
whole room, cracked jokes
once you got inside the booth, told you, like smoke
went through friends, some of them I put on
but they just left, they said they was riding to the death
But where the fuck are they now?
now that I need them, I don't see none of them
all I see is Slim
fuck all you fair-weather friends
all I need is him
fucking backstabbers
when the chips were down you just laughed at us
Now you 'bout to feel the fucking wrath of Aftermath, faggots
you gon' see us in our lab jackets and ask us where the fuck we been?
You can kiss my indecisive ass crack, maggots, and the cracker's ass
Little Cracker Jack, beat-making wackass backwards producers
I'm back, bastards
one more CD and then I'm packing up my bags and as I'm leaving
I'll guarantee they scream, Dre don't leave us like that man 'cause...
i like to listen to those lyrics.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
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