i wish i was better these days...

link: for people who suck at thanksgiving

I know that you might not read it all, but it's there if you wanted too.
Some parts like,  

"My thoughts gravitate to whatever's missing, whatever's lost or broken or painful. My heart worries and fears. There is plenty to be thankful for but those are not the scenes I stay stuck in."



My heart worries and fears...
Or,

"I wish i was better at being present."


 And it's true for me too:
"My life is absurd in terms of how privileged it is."


So why?
"So what's with all the pain? What's with not being able to sleep at night? What and where the heck is "home?" Is it possible to be healthy? To be patient? Why do i feel things so deeply?" 



I'm not at the point where he is. Taking it all and believeing it shaped his life. Maybe that's true. But I'm not there where I can appreciate the way it has shaped me. I do agree, I believe that life, love CAN come back. That the dreams that live inside me are there for a reason.. But for right now, it may not be true...it does feel like I'm a story about losing.
i wish i was better these days.




Playlist for reading and writing this blog (on shuffle):

His Girl Friday, The Academy Is...
The Theft, Atreyu
One Year, Six Months, Yellowcard
Miracle!, Paramore
Welcome to Heartbreak, Kanye West

solace, i have not.

amass: gathered and collected..

time: opportunity; temporal length of entity's existence..

heartache: anguish and sorrow; affliction and dejection..

so many words amassed; i'm a hoarder.

so much time...gone, my love wasted.

so much heartache...i feel my soul weighing beyond it's years.

solace: comfort and peace....

i have not.

 

 

remember this guy, from little miss sunshine, the freak out. 

he doesn't have it either.

one big chunk.

my mom.

my dad.

my cat.

my dad. my brother.

 my dad. my cousin. my cousin. my uncle. 

dog. dog.

dog.

my uncle.

my cousin.

my cousin. my cousin. my dad. my brother.

my grandma.

 my willow.

my mom. my dad.

my sister.

my cousin.

 my sister.

 my bfff.

i coordinate this kind of mess

i think edward scissor-hands is beautiful.
the cuts on his face, drew me in when i was little.
i still wonder what that means.
what crazy chemical let go in my brain to allow this.
what beginning did i have.
what past did i bring with.
and where...oh where, am i going?

my hands, my eyes, my bones, are starving.
my soul is the same.
i'm avoiding the drop.
sink or swim.
treading water.
shallow water.
far more.

what else is there to say.
it takes a hell of a lot more to complete this.
far more.


how much longer, boy?
how much longer do we need to wait.
my insides know just where i belong. i can feel them.
every night, like we used to do.
in my head, that's the story that plays.
the music beats...melodies..
on and on.
on and on, we go.

i love you. and i miss you.

what else is there to say?

i love you. and i miss you. 
what else is there to say?



far more than we can take.

till all my skin was gone.

be patient love, it could be us.

maybe nobody has it figured out.

i was talking to a boy.

he's down too.

way down. no sleep, like me.

hits it pretty hard.

i think i will too...

I met a girl who kept tattoos

For homes that she had loved

If I were her I'd paint my body

'Til all my skin was gone

that, is exactly how i feel. 

just what i will do.

the dead sea.

such a place to be..

uhm, hello!?

every time i do go somewhere, or do something.

present tense.

i wish for once you would just try to remember. 

really remember, look in the fucking mirror.

and figure out what the fucking hell you are doing.

it's nothing that either of us need, it's nothing we want.

i wish you would just realize how fucking easy it would have been to say, 

"hey, i know things aren't good right now, 

but i'm sorry to hear about your grandma. i know this is killing you."

ripping me apart. right through me. walking into that house, alone.. 

everyone was in there, with their person by there side. 

jesus christ kid. 

i wish for fucking once, you could give it to me straight, like you used too.

 you had the best fucking mind i've ever met.

you had words. jesus, you had words. 

even if it isn't good, fight back with me. have a fucking personality again.

yeah.. a lot. a lot of things pent up. 

fuck off.

this is exactly it.

took the words right from my soul.

the blood in my veins raced,

it leapt.

you know we're gonna live to see another day..

does my opinion still matter to you?
yours does. sometimes i wish it didn't. but it so does.
when i realize it, i want to change so many things in my life.
motivate me, i wanna get myself out of this bed. 




even in the small talk, i knew what you were gonna say, that says something.
that says you're still there. that says i still know you better than you think. 
better than all of them. can you tell what i'm trying to do? 
can you tell what i want...just for now at least?
captivate me, i want good thoughts inside of my head.






you answered, and you talked. you didn't give what you used too.
i have so much built up to say. i have so many questions.
are you gonna be there?
if i fall down, would you come around, and pick me right up off the ground?






i'm still angry, but i can't get you to say it.
i'm still shaken, but i love that part.
i'm still here, but like i could leave.
i'm still sad, but i have all this hope.
spend your lazy, endless crazy, days inside my head.




i always let the hope get too high. somewhere, inside; i know it'll be nothing.
nothing will happen..
but i never stop. i can't get it to go down. so one day, when you meet it.
when you get right up there to my high hopes, i might just fall down..
but hey, :) you'll be around....see you then, c