it's a christmas hangover baby

honestly.

in all actualility, 

whatever happens...i'm still rooting for us.

smoke escaped her lips

they all want to know. they all want me to talk about it.
they have no idea. the nightmares i can give.
you do not. do not. want to get into this.
trust me...just really believe me here.
and they want me to be these things i was.
i was at one time. but i can't just do that.
(not saying the things i was will be gone,
for good. no, no, definitely not. i don't expect you to wait out the ride.
i know...i know it's insane. and i know it's wicked. and horrid. i know
it looks raw and...someday, i'll get back to it all. i can promise you that,
i can promise you i'll try).
i can't alter my mood. i can't...i've tried.
it makes it all sink harder.
and i know.. i know, it sucks being my friend right now.
because i'm just shit.
i'm just shit right now. but fuck, it's getting really tough.
i'm keeping it all in and i'm keeping it all together in this neat little string of everything i know.
and if you try to have me unravel it...i do not know what you will run into.. nightmares. nightmares.
i say this a lot, december... december is just so hard. i just have a hard time in december. maybe it's in my head. but fuck it. it's how it is. it makes everything surface. it's right underneath, so i apologize for the friend i am right now. i really wish i wasn't all of this right now.
what is this even...i just keep shaking my head. i don't have answers...
i apologize for the friend i am right now, the cousin, the sister, the daughter...

i'm just gonna take a minute

and let it ride.

i'm just gonna take a minute,

and let it breeze.

possibly my favorite spirit.

in the top 4.

dear willow,
it's getting close to christmas, dangerously close.
i called the house today. just to let it ring.
with each lonely shrill in my ear,
i thought i could remember the way you would say, "one ringy-dingy, two ringy-dingy..."
where are you?
"i am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds of circling flight."
why do i love birds in flight so much? even more now.
are you there?
next fall, i know you will be the leaves, running to grandma's house.
this christmas...doesn't seem fair.
why is december so hard?
grandma, tell me. why is december so hard?
i miss you,, i miss you even more than december is hard,
i love you,
-the little one.

number 346

fuck you.
for allowing this to happen.

two decades old.

so a month and a couple weeks ago, it was my birthday.

here's how it looked....

(kate has always hated being photographed, particularly by me.)

12.08.10

who the hell gave cupid a gun?

it's thoughts like this that catch

dear willow,
i miss you. people say they miss things, people...
but i feel like when we say it.... our hearts are just reaching,
and breaking,
and twisting, trying to get toward you.

i feel like i didn't explain it right.

i would explain it better.

and i wouldn't have to say too much,

because you'd see exactly what i meant by the language my body gave.

by the emotion in my face.

by the truth in my eyes.

and i feel like you would have said something...so wise.

wise, willow.

what shall i do-

and when you're young, 

it's hard to see what's happening.

and what will..

maybe you are out there somewhere,

but when you're young, it's hard to know just what to believe.

with so many questions...and the wise ones gone to answer...

i would ask, how did you ever figure it out.

but i know..you were born to teach.

you were born to provide.

you were born to love.

you were born to lead us.

"i wanna be wit' chu gamma"

love, 

claire ellen adele.

balto.

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." 
— Will Rogers.


"Why not go out on a limb? That's where the fruit is."
— Will Rogers.